I have always been a planner. I like knowing where, when and how each thing will fall into place. I am not big on spontaneity or surprises for that matter. But over the years, I have accepted that not everything in my life can be planned out, slotted in or pushed into place. And you know what, unexpected…unplanned…situations can be a good thing.
Motherhood. I have always wanted to be a mother. While friends dreamed of making their first million before turning thirty, I had plans of having 2 children by the same age. But mathematics is never wrong : in order for the 1 (me) to yield 2 (children), you need to find the other 1 (partner/husband). While it is not necessarily hard to find the other 1 to father my children, the heart of the matter is, the 1 has to be the RIGHT one.
A woman's biological clock. Science says all women have their own internal clock and it's best to have children before turning forty. I am not there (yet) but I pushed the "stop" button on my clock a while ago. What surprised me even more than my desire to have children is not wanting children once I hit a certain age. That is, although I have always wanted to be a mother, I didn't want to be a mother to adolescent kids when I reach fifty. Frankly, this came somewhat as a surprising personal revelation but one which I feel is right for me.
This is not to be a morose post about an unfulfilled desire of becoming a mother. Nothing can be further from the truth. In fact, I want to celebrate motherhood and the joys it has brought to my life. Society ordains a specific day each year to thank mothers for all they do and provide within a family. For me, the definition of a "mother" takes on a more specific meaning than just a biological one.
I recently read an article titled "Motherhood and Happiness" http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/real-life/motherhood-and-happiness-20120502-1xycz.html where the (childless) author celebrates the joys of being an aunty to her nieces and a godmother to her goddaughter. She wrote "will these special bonds with the children who are not mine but mean so much to me - my nieces, my god-daughter, my friends’ kids - be enough?" and rather than "mourn the ‘‘plight’’ of these ‘‘childless’’ women why don’t we celebrate the unique relationships that blossom in the absence of motherhood." I echo this.
I am a very proud Godmama to a set of twin girls. They turn one next month. They couldn't be more different than night and day and yet I love them equally with a fierceness and intensity that I never knew I had. Recently, I travelled to Hong Kong to spend a few weeks with them. The timing was perfect as my friends were rather busy organizing their affairs for an impending move to another country. There were numerous times during the trip when my friends (bless them!) felt that I was qualified to babysit the girls on my own. Those times remain the best memories of the trip. I do not see my goddaughters on a daily basis but they are in my heart every minute of the day. I consider it my privilege to see them grow up into young women. My goddaughters may not be mine biologically, but my love for and my nurturing instincts towards them would be no different to if I had birthed them.
I have also been at the receiving ends of care and love from women who are not my biological mother. I lived in London previously and throughout my two year stint, I was fortunate to be staying at a bed and breakfast establishment ran by my friend's aunt. She cared for me as my dear mother would have. We did many fun things together, one of our favourites being to hop on the Eurostar to Paris for lunch. I learned many wonderful recipes from her. She considered me one of her surrogate daughters. When she passed away in February this year, I travelled to London for the weekend so that I could be there at her funeral. She remains, in every sense of the word, a "mother" to me.
I know my role as a godmother does not replace the role my friend has as the mother to her children, nor is the immense love and gratitude I have for my biological mother being diminished by the other women who have been instrumental in my life. They are simply not one and the same. But rather than drawing a very straight black line dividing those who have embraced motherhood and those who are "childless" (whether by choice or by fate), one should understand the real essence of motherhood. It is not a title but it speaks of the character of a person. Caring, loving, nurturing, disciplining and many more.
Becoming a mother is a journey of forty weeks; being a mother is a journey of a lifetime. Thank you to my mother, my godmother and countless aunts and women who have been and continue to be an exemplary "mother" figure in my life. To my precious and beautiful goddaughters, I pray that with the best examples I have had to date, I will not disappoint or let you down.
